Why senior planning is often crisis planning
It seems strange that, often when I meet with new clients seeking help in elder law issues, the circumstances are already in crisis.
A family member may need immediate placement when his or her hospital stay is ending and it is not possible for him or her to return home. A parent who has lived at home or with another family member independently now needs a more secure environment.
Ideally, decisions involving a move would have been reached earlier when the family member is able better actively to participate in them and everyone can discuss alternatives. There are many reasons why this might not happen.
Independence is the ideal. The ideal in America is independence. We wrote the principle into our Declaration of Independence and we live the principle every day. We romanticize the rugged individual.
Practically speaking, this means that everyone is expected to carry his or her own weight. It is not surprising then that an individual, especially someone living alone, would not share his or her concerns about living independently with family or friends. There is an underlying fear that, to appear unable to handle anything from balancing a checkbook to routine home repairs by oneself is a sign of weakness.
To avoid feeling weak, affected individuals may struggle on without adequate support. This may, instead, make them seem cranky, indifferent, isolated or self-centered.
Change is difficult. As I have said before, it is not surprising that a relative should resist adjusting his lifestyle or leaving the only place that he or she has known as home for a significant portion of his or her life. It is also not surprising that spouses and children dread discussing alternatives.
Ironically, the greatest urgency for change comes when, mentally, emotionally, and physically, it is most difficult. If the change concerned moving to a college dormitory at the age of 18, it would not be so threatening. It is because this change, later in life, is, rightfully or wrongfully, associated with inevitable physical deterioration, that people are so resistant.
“I’m not old enough to think about moving” really means “I have not reached a point of decline so severe that I should think of making a move.”
This association of moving with reaching the end of life, rather than with continued growth in a new environment, is unfortunate and often unnecessary.
Here are some suggestions toward making a more orderly healthy transition.
Make a life plan. We plan for everything from business ventures to vacations. We make estate plans for our death. Why should we not plan for change at different stages of life? If more individuals would, while they are well, arrive at a “Plan B” for where they wanted to live and how they wanted their affairs to be handled and shared this plan with close family and friends, transitions would not be so difficult. Powers of attorney with a trusted family member or friend who know how you feel are also critical. Saying “I do not want to go to a nursing home” is not enough. If accommodations need to be made, consider the alternatives.
Take small steps. Major transitions are unsettling at any age. Ultimately, it is easier gradually and consciously to allow others to share in one’s decision-making, whether those “partners” are family members or trusted advisers such as financial advisers, lawyers, spiritual advisers, trustees or others, than to let matters go and then to have them decided in crisis.
Stay involved socially. All problems, including the problems associated with changes in life, are harder to face alone. This is probably one reason why, for instance, regular church attendees and others who socialize are consistently found to live longer lives and to have greater quality of life than the population generally. Some studies even suggest that the onset of Alzheimer’s disease and dementia may be delayed by regular social activity.
Keep intergenerational friends. One of the ways to stay young and to avoid depression is to share with friends across the generations. There is no good reason why anyone’s friends should have to be of the same age group even if this requires additional effort.
For more, listen to “50+ Planning Ahead” a weekly radio program on WCHE 1520 on every Wednesday from 4:30 pm to 5:00 pm with Janet Colliton, Colliton Law Assocs., PC, and Phil McFadden of Home Instead Senior Care.
About the Author Janet Colliton
Esquire, Colliton Law Associates, P.C. Janet Colliton has practiced law for over 38 years, 37 of them in Chester County, Pennsylvania, a suburb of Philadelphia. Her practice, Colliton Law Associates, PC, is limited to elder law, Medicaid, including advice, applications and appeals, and other benefits planning including Veterans benefits, life care and special needs planning, guardianships, retirement, and estate planning and administration.