Wealthy Parents Need To Leave Behind More Than Money
Robert Frank, author of “The Wealth Report,” an on-line column at the Wall Street Journal, published a commentary on May 12, 2008 titled “10 Things the Wealthy Should Leave Their Kids – Besides Money. “ The reference was cited by Neil Hendershot, a noted Harrisburg estate planning attorney, in his August 6, 2008 Pennsylvania Elder, Estate and Fiduciary Blog, at paelderestatefiduciary.blogspot.com , in a posting titled “Caring, Responsible (Wealthy) Children.” The obvious premise is that money does not solve all of the world’s problems or even all problems of the individuals who inherit. Actually, in my experience, I have seen problems generated by money that would never have surfaced without it. For some, the proverbial glass is always “half empty” and not “half full.”
Returning to the “10 Things” allusion, Frank was referencing a list of “10 Elements of Care” developed by Peter White, a man who has worked with Citi Private Bank and U.S. Trust and spent the last twenty years of his life counseling wealthy parents and children about potential adverse effects of wealth and how to lead meaningful lives. You can also look into this weblink to know more about it. White’s list is not just for the wealthy but also for anyone who wants to know what is important to leave behind for their children. Here are Peter White’s “10 Elements of Care.”
1. Necessaries — food, clothing, shelter, medical attention, basic education.
2. Affection – This involves “the great big person who takes care of me opening him or herself to me and making him or herself vulnerable and human in a way, connecting with me physically and in spirit, and thus <affirming> my significance as a person.”
3. Affirmation and Support – This is basically about expressing sincere belief in the child. You want to be a cheerleader –…a doctor or an astronaut…you can do it!”
4. Boundaries – We are living in an age where the lack of boundaries for children has reached epidemic proportions. Boundaries reflect a closing value – … certain reasonably well-defined behaviors are unacceptable and… when these behaviors occur, unpleasant consequences will result.
5. Guidance – Telling and showing children how to cope, how to deal, how to create, how to succeed… at essence, guidance is about beliefs – belief in the sense of action motivated and circumscribed by values held by the parents. In the wealth context, guidance on budgeting is essential and guidance on philanthropy, which may come from participating in family philanthropy together as a group… 6. Respect – … “It is respectful to listen seriously to what the other person is saying seriously and to empathize with what the other is feeling genuinely.”
7. Trust – “This means relying on the other to act responsibly.” It may mean <allowing> someone the opportunity to do the wrong thing.
8. Forgiveness – This is not about the glib ‘I forgive you.’ Forgiveness does not erase the hurt; by definition, it feels the hurt but decides to carry on the relationship despite the hurt.
9. Religion or Spirituality – White says “My experience over the last 20 years tells me that children raised in an environment of religion tend to be more in touch with themselves than those who are not. When I use the word religion, I am not referring only to the organized religions – though I am not excluding them either – but I am speaking about an aspiration to higher and enduring truth.”
10. Letting Go – This, according to White, is the most difficult and, along with Necessaries and Affection, the most important. “We must say to our kids, ‘I’ve done the lion’s share of the motherly or fatherly work, and I’m here and will be here for you as long as I can be, but the responsibility for you is now yours.’ “So many entrepreneurs,” he comments, “don’t like what they see when their kids turn 21 and now they’ve got time to fix it; but, generally speaking, they shouldn’t fix it… This is love: resisting the temptation to take care of people who should be taking care of themselves.”
I would add some final thoughts. In some families, cash legacies may be used as a substitute for one or more of the “10 Elements of Care” and children, in arguing over estates, may be arguing over love. Adult children whose parents did not give them the full “10 Elements of Care” can, with greater knowledge and understanding, offer them to their own children and, by so doing, leave the world a better place.
About the Author Janet Colliton
Esquire, Colliton Law Associates, P.C. Janet Colliton has practiced law for over 38 years, 37 of them in Chester County, Pennsylvania, a suburb of Philadelphia. Her practice, Colliton Law Associates, PC, is limited to elder law, Medicaid, including advice, applications and appeals, and other benefits planning including Veterans benefits, life care and special needs planning, guardianships, retirement, and estate planning and administration.