Things Elder Law Attorneys Would Like to Hear
Several years ago, Madeline Lamb, one of the best family law attorneys in Chester County, penned an article for New Matter, the Chester County Bar Association publication, listing some of the statements that she wished she would hear from clients and adversaries in the course of litigation. Madeline tragically died last year taking with her some of her great insights but, from what I remember, the article in question described statements such as, in a custody dispute, “I would be glad to bring the children home earlier so that you can take them to the show” or “I realize that you need more in support and times are tough for me right now. Why don’t we work out a solution that takes into account what the children need now.” These might not be Madeline’s actual quotes but the idea was that people would cooperate voluntarily.
Elder law is somewhat different but there are statements that, every once in awhile we might wish to hear. Here are some.
“Have you been working on that project all morning? Here, let me help.” The idea comes from an old expression “many hands make light work.” If a parent or an adult child caring for a parent could only know they would have help, chores become easier. It would be less likely, when it comes time for a move or a final cleanout, that the task would be overwhelming.
“You and your husband have been caring for Dad for years. You need a vacation. We should take care of him for a few weeks and you should get a break.” When there is one primary caregiver or when parents live with an adult child and his or her family, burnout is a very real possibility. From time to time, even if it is not mentioned, other family members might consider chipping in to make life easier for the caregiver. Maybe it is to allow the caregiver and her husband to take a vacation. Maybe it would make sense to suggest that a paid caregiver come to help. The caregiver could be paid with Dad or Mom’s funds or family could contribute. With a written Family Agreement, the family member or members who handle the majority of the work could also be compensated for their work without gifting issues arising under Medicaid at a later date. The key for reimbursement or compensation is to have the Agreement in writing. Seek legal help if needed.
“You are closer to the problem and I live at a distance. You understand better than I do what needs to be done and I trust your judgment.” The farther you are from a problem, the easier it seems to solve. Sometimes adult children at a distance come to visit and believe they know the answers. Caring on a daily basis is usually more difficult than anyone at a distance can imagine. It is a good idea to listen.
“The money that Mom and Dad earned is theirs and should be used toward their care.” I do hear adult children say this and it makes our job easier. The expression in our office is that funds are used first to assure that a parent receives adequate, appropriate care, then to assure that the parent at home is secure and can pay his or her bills. If there are additional funds, we consider inheritance. Government benefits like Medicaid and the Veterans program, Aid and Attendance, can help to stretch assets. Plans can assist in determining how much people have and what is the best way to use current funds for all purposes.
“I want to share with you my information so that if there is an emergency, you know where to go and what to do.” Helping is a two-way street. While one person has to be willing to help, the other has to be willing to open herself to sharing information and receiving assistance. A good first step for a healthy parent is to allow at least one trusted son or daughter know where she keeps her accounts and where her estate documents including Will, Power of Attorney, Health Care Power of Attorney and Living Will are kept. An alternative is to tell the child where to go for this information in a crisis. The parent does not need to be elderly or sick to do this. Unfortunately, in our society, accepting help is sometimes seen as a sign of weakness. The better way to consider helping is to see it as a cooperative venture. Each party contributes to provide a better result.
For more, listen to “50+ Planning Ahead” a weekly radio program on WCHE 1520 on every Wednesday from 4:30 pm to 5:00 pm with Janet Colliton, Colliton Law Assocs., PC, and Phil McFadden of Home Instead Senior Care.
About the Author Janet Colliton
Esquire, Colliton Law Associates, P.C. Janet Colliton has practiced law for over 38 years, 37 of them in Chester County, Pennsylvania, a suburb of Philadelphia. Her practice, Colliton Law Associates, PC, is limited to elder law, Medicaid, including advice, applications and appeals, and other benefits planning including Veterans benefits, life care and special needs planning, guardianships, retirement, and estate planning and administration.