Laugh at aging with Dr. Seuss

When I began practicing elder law, I did not realize that a favorite children’s book author actually lived to be 87. I certainly did not know that he celebrated his 82nd birthday with the publication of a humorous book on aging similar to the funny tongue-twisting books he wrote for children.

“You’re Only Old Once!” is the product of the beloved Theodor Seuss Geisel, commonly known to his fans as Dr. Seuss.I think that if anyone could write about aging and make it funny, it would have to be Dr. Seuss, the author of such childhood gems as “The Cat In the Hat,” “The Lomax,” “The Cat in the Hat Comes Back,” and “The Grinch That Stole Christmas.”

“You’re Only Old Once” comes with a subtitle: “A Book for Obsolete Children.”

This holiday season, it seemed it would be fun to share some of Dr. Seuss’s observations that are only too obvious for those of us aged 50 and over.

“One day you will read in the ‘National Geographic’ of a faraway land with no smelly bad traffic.In those green-pastured mountains of Fotta-fa-Zee everybody feels fine at a hundred and three ‘cause the air that they breathe is potassium-free and because they chew nuts from the Tutt-a-Tutt Tree.This gives strength to their teeth, it gives length to their hair, and they live without doctors, with nary a care.

“And you’ll find yourself wishing that you were out there in Fotta-fa-Zee and not here in this chair in the Golden Years Clinic on Century Square for Spleen Readjustment and Muffler Repair.”

Everyone knows what fun medical tests are, and Dr. Seuss is no exception.

“And the next thing you know, when you’ve finished that test, is somehow you’ve lost both your necktie and vest and an Ogler is ogling your stomach and chest ..”Your escape plans have melted!You haven’t a chance, for the next thing you know, both your socks and your pants and your drawers and your shoes have been lost for the day.The Oglers have blossomed like roses in May!And silently, grimly, they ogle away.” The anxiety is captured as the patient receives results.

“You’ll be told that your hearing’s so murky and muddy, your case calls for special intensified study.They’ll test you with noises from far and from near and you’ll get a black mark for the ones you can’t hear.Then they’ll say, ‘My dear fellow, you’re deafer than most.But there’s hope, since you’re not quite as deaf as a post.We’ll study your symptoms.We’ll give you a call.In the meantime, go back and sit down in the hall.’”

The pill-taking regimen gets a gentle, humorous drubbing:

“For your Pill Drill you’ll go to Room 663 where a voice will instruct you,‘Repeat after me ..This small white pill is what I munch

at breakfast and right after lunch,

I take the pill that’s kelly green

before each meal and in between.

These loganberry-colored pills

I take for early morning chills.

I take the pill with zebra stripes

to cure my each evening gripes.

These orange-tinted ones, of course,

I take to cure my charley horse ..Following the nightmare day comes the paperwork.

“When at last we are sure

you’ve been properly pilled,

then a few paper forms

must be property filled

so that you and your heirs

may be properly billed.”

Despite everything else, in Dr. Seuss’s world, all is well at the end.

“And you’ll know,

once your necktie’s

back under your chin

and Norval has waved you

Godspeed with his fin,

you’re in pretty good shape

for the shape you are in!”

Attitude is everything!