Caregivers Need Encouragement
Sometimes people are doing better than they think and need to be reminded.
I considered this recently when meeting with a man who felt he was without options in caring for his mother. The rest of the family was engaged elsewhere and ignoring the problems. His mother with her physical and mental conditions needed help. He was supposed to keep her for a short stay and it extended well beyond what he expected. There were other physical issues with people who depended on him. In describing what happened, he paused, I think, not knowing where to go with this line of thought.
Leaning across the table, I said words something like this. “You have been faced with difficult choices in an imperfect situation. You have made the best decisions you could for the time. You stepped up and took responsibility. The fact that you could not make it perfect does not take away from what you did. Everything you did was the best that you could do for the time.” Then it was time to look at what we can do now recognizing realistically that he was unlikely to receive help from expected sources.
Since then, looking back over the many adult children and husbands and wives who care for parents and spouses in difficult circumstances, I cannot help but wonder whether they ever receive anything like the recognition they deserve or if they ever even recognize it themselves.
One family described how it took two people to help their parent up the stairs at home and that took 45 minutes. Some time ago, a woman described her scare when her mother in law briefly leaned from the front porch. A woman injured herself while lifting her husband. Children sometimes give up jobs, employment opportunities or advancement to care for parents. In some cases wives or husbands cannot sleep while their spouse gets up repeatedly through the night, a result of dementia. These are not unusual occurrences and are not resolved easily, not even with money and not even with paid companions. They can be made easier with advice and with more people helping. Professional help should be sought when needed. No one should underestimate the contributions or the sacrifices that families make to keep their parents and spouses at home or to find other placement for them when home no longer makes sense.
As just one example for working children, the 2011 Met Life Study of Caregiving Costs to Working Caregivers: Double Jeopardy for Baby Boomers Caring for Their Parents, indicated that working Americans who care for aging parents lose an estimated $3 trillion in wages, pension, and Social Security benefits by taking time off to do so. Individually, average financial losses amount to $324,044 for women and $283,716 for men. The percentage of adults providing care to at least one parent more than tripled between 1994 and 2008. In 2008, 17% of men and 28% of women provided such care.
Legal, financial and care issues must be considered. Legally, the caregiver must have the authority to participate in health care and financial decisions. This means properly drafted Financial and Health Care Powers of Attorney along with HIPAA releases.
Financially, decisions have to be made whether a parent can afford to stay at home. If so, legal documents may need to be drafted to support the decisions made such as moving in with children or buying a property together or shared expenses. Often it is thought that care at home is less expensive and it often is but, when it is necessary to have 24/7 outside caregivers with rotating shifts, this is more expensive than nursing home care and would not be picked up by Medicaid.
Safety is a care consideration. Is it safe either for the person cared for or for the caregiver to remain together at home?
One older man leaned against my office doorway and quipped while smiling “Too many old people taking care of old people.” This is often true.
When deciding, caregivers who have devoted themselves to keeping their parent or spouse at home sometimes feel defeat to let them go to assisted living or skilled nursing. This should not be the case. Sometimes it is too much for anyone and guilt should not be the result.
When you do the best that you can in an imperfect world after having receiving all the professional and friendly advice you need and after having exhausted other options, caregivers should give themselves a break.
For more, listen to “50+ Planning Ahead” a weekly radio program on WCHE 1520 on every Wednesday from 4:30 pm to 5:00 pm with Janet Colliton, Colliton Law Assocs., PC, and Phil McFadden of Home Instead Senior Care.
About the Author Janet Colliton
Esquire, Colliton Law Associates, P.C. Janet Colliton has practiced law for over 38 years, 37 of them in Chester County, Pennsylvania, a suburb of Philadelphia. Her practice, Colliton Law Associates, PC, is limited to elder law, Medicaid, including advice, applications and appeals, and other benefits planning including Veterans benefits, life care and special needs planning, guardianships, retirement, and estate planning and administration.