Joy Is Timeless – A Reprise
New Year’s brings with it time to reflect on growing up, aging and the capacity for joy. What follows is from a previous column. This is a time, I thought, with all of the crises that face us, readers might enjoy sharing these ideas again.
“One of the most memorable New Year’s Eves I remember was spent in a nursing home. The lights reflected into the room from the hallways as room lights were extinguished.
My mother, who was in fairly good shape all things considered, was seated on her bed. Her roomate, a charming wisp of a woman from a Philadelphia Main Line family, was animated and cheerful. We chatted on as the speaker from the television overhead continued to announce the time. The mood was upbeat and relaxed. Then, as in so many years before, we watched the lighted ball at Times Square, New York City, fall. We wished each other a Happy New Year and I headed home.
New Years’ Eve had been my father’s birthday and had been a major cause for celebration and partying in my family. Dad had long since passed away. As it turned out, the year at the nursing home would be the last New Years’ Eve I would spend with my mother as well.
It seems, in thinking back, that we expect both too much and too little of our aging parents. We jump from expecting that they will always be the strong individuals we though we knew all along to anticipating that we will not be able to enjoy special times with them at all.
What it means to be disabled, either physically or mentally, also occupies a great deal of time for those who are confronting that possibility, especially in the near future. This is not necessarily because of age. Disabilities can occur at any age. Unable to enjoy the moment, people race ahead to the question of where they will be a year or ten years from now or recall times past and wish they were back.
Joy is ageless, timeless. It does not come because we are 22 years old or leave because we are 82. It requires satisfaction and acceptance in the moment. It comes in glimpses even during the most difficult periods.
“Don’t get old, Jan,” my 92 year old aunt advised. Then, she would laugh. “So, what is the alternative?” I asked and laughed, too.
The questions of aging — whether it can be halted or delayed, whether it necessarily involves a decline in faculties without offsetting benefits – have captured the mind at least since stories of the Fountain of Youth and Ponce deLeon.
Personal philosophy makes a tremendous difference. The ticking of a clock for one person signals life and opportunity and for another, downslide. Age is self-defining.
It has been a matter of some curiosity to me that we see conditions that begin after certain ages – say after age fifty or age seventy, depending on our definition of “old” – as being degenerative, that is, we expect them to get worse. Many health problems developed at a younger age we see as self-correcting. We do not often say “Thank goodness, I outgrew that medical condition. I’m older now.”
Until my uncle Lue was 86 years old and had pneumonia, I could not keep up with him when he walked. It is an open question whether that was because I was out of condition or he was doing exceptionally well or maybe a combination of the two, but age was no determiner of results. The first question asked when he became ill with pneumonia was “how old is he.” It was assumed that, if he were old, he would not make it.
At age 86, during a winter when many younger persons did not survive the illness, my uncle kicked off the respirator and not only went home from the hospital but walked along the beach with us again that summer and after. He did it just by being himself and not considering the common “wisdom” that when people are older they would not recover.
“My parent is failing” is an expression I often hear in my elder law practice. It means not only do family members see signs of frailty or disability but they begin to look for them. At the same time, parents who sense that their families feel this way, may became more frustrated and defensive.
Experience would lead me to believe that the quality of life does not plummet in a straight line from some arbitrary point. Relax and enjoy. You do not have to be as old as you used to be.” Happy New Year!
About the Author Janet Colliton
Esquire, Colliton Law Associates, P.C. Janet Colliton has practiced law for over 38 years, 37 of them in Chester County, Pennsylvania, a suburb of Philadelphia. Her practice, Colliton Law Associates, PC, is limited to elder law, Medicaid, including advice, applications and appeals, and other benefits planning including Veterans benefits, life care and special needs planning, guardianships, retirement, and estate planning and administration.