How to Settle an Estate Without a Family Feud
Funerals and weddings can bring out the best in people, or the worst. For the family member entrusted with resolving an estate, serving as Executor or Executrix can be a mixed blessing.
On the one hand, being appointed to the position probably reflects the belief of a deceased family member that she or he was up to the job. It may also possibly mean that the deceased thought he needed to appoint the oldest child or the child who lives nearby or the one best able to handle stress. Whatever the motivation for the appointment, the newly designated Executor or Executrix needs to be prepared to deal not only with the business details involved in wrapping an estate but with the personal relationships. Otherwise, plans can unravel and feuds can erupt that can last well into the future.
Relatives harboring long time resentments may contest basic decisions. Memories dating to childhood can resurface and even beneficiaries in their 50’s, 60’s and 70’s may interpret provisions in the Will to mean that Mom or Dad favored (read “loved”) one child over another. This may be a reason why parents often divide everything in a Will equally even where one child has cared for them for years and another has barely spoken to them.
There are strategies that Executors can use to deflect tension. Here are some.
Hire a Lawyer. Many people, used to following television programs, identify lawyers with trials and conflict. Estate attorneys are generally a good-natured group more attuned to providing estate administration services as well as resolving disputes than creating them. Importantly, they add authority to decisions made. A good, experienced estate attorney can interpret provisions in the Will that may seem unclear, mediate disputes, explain procedures, and assure that legal requirements are met. Lawyers are also accustomed to assuming the role of “bad guy (or woman)”. Executors can explain that they had no choice. The lawyer told them how a sensitive matter is to be handled.
Avoid Informal Communication Where There Is Possibility of Conflict. E-mails, as one example, can complicate estate administration. An executor may quickly answer an emotionally charged question raised in an e-mail with a quick emotional response.
It is better to think through the process, something that an estate attorney can help the Executor to do, and explain what is being done in context. For instance, one commonly raised question is why the estate cannot be wrapped sooner. There are procedures that must be followed. Date of death values must be obtained. Property may take time to liquidate. Bills must be secured and paid. In the meanwhile, interim distributions may be made and this may help to satisfy beneficiaries until final estate distribution.
Sometimes reports to beneficiaries from the Executor or from the attorney, although not required by law, may help. Where e-mails are used, the report should be a separate e-mail attachment and labeled as “Report to Beneficiaries.”
Anticipate Problems – the “In’s vs. the ‘Out’s”. Years ago I was involved in an estate where two daughters were appointed Executrixes and two were not. I referred to the resulting conflicts as the problem of the “’In’s vs. the ‘Out’s.”
The Executrixes had ongoing knowledge. The remaining sisters who were my clients did not and were suspicious of their sisters’ intentions. Worse, the Executrixes barred their sisters from the family home and made it extraordinarily difficult for them to obtain their share of personal belongings from the house. There is a better way.
Consider a Creative Way to Distribute Personal Belongings. For those who do not want to risk lifetime disputes over who received what items and who want to avoid family roaming the house removing property, consider other methods. One of them is this. Schedule a date and time when property will be distributed at the house and notify all beneficiaries in writing along with a list of major items in the house.
Make the date a social time. Donuts and coffee or sandwiches would be a good idea.
On the given day, the process can take several turns. Whatever procedure is used, it must be orderly and must give each person an opportunity. You might follow a list or move from room to room.
One of my most creative Executrixes added a step. She included photographs on a CD-ROM and a spreadsheet along with the notice letter to beneficiaries.
If any lesson can be derived from this it is that structure, where everyone feels fairly and reasonably treated is an effective way to deflect criticism and to contribute to family peace.
About the Author Janet Colliton
Esquire, Colliton Law Associates, P.C. Janet Colliton has practiced law for over 38 years, 37 of them in Chester County, Pennsylvania, a suburb of Philadelphia. Her practice, Colliton Law Associates, PC, is limited to elder law, Medicaid, including advice, applications and appeals, and other benefits planning including Veterans benefits, life care and special needs planning, guardianships, retirement, and estate planning and administration.