Abuse Has No Age Categories
In response to last week’s column on elder abuse and “World Elder Abuse Abuse Awareness Day,” a reader e-mailed me a comment that she knew of a woman who was being abused by her elderly parent, highlighting the distressing reality of nursing home abuse. The email reminds me that abuse does not depend on age. Special legal protections are extended to the elderly and children based on the notion that they are more likely to be victimized. But action can be taken by anyone who is at risk of abuse, both to avoid it from the outset or to escape later. More on this later.
The type of elder abuse I see most often in my practice is financial abuse, sometimes coupled with social isolation and intimidation. Not all of it rises to the level of legally prohibited abuse but, based on interviews with older parents, I can attest to the long term devastating effects of this kind of treatment. Further, I honestly believe that many adult children do not even realize that what they are doing amounts to abuse. This is how it happens. The elderly experiencing this can seek legal help from lawyers that are fighting for abused elders in New York.
Adult children who have been unable or unwilling to live on their own incomes repeatedly turn to parents to pull them out of their financial troubles. What begins as a one time event, escalates over time. Eventually, the children have done this so often, they begin to think of their parent’s funds as their own. They may become more demanding, threatening or implying that, if their parent does not give them money, they will retaliate in some way. I refer to this as the “Bank of Mom” dilemma. If you witnessed this type of abuse on elders, it is highly recommended to consult an elder abuse attorney to know the legal remedies.
Parents want to please their children. In some cases, children who are denied money react by refusing their parents contact with the grandchildren. They may discontinue family parties or fail to invite their parents to attend. They may neglect to contact them on holidays such as Mothers Day, Fathers Day, and birthdays. They might refuse to speak to parents or might leave them alone during times when their parents expected to socialize. One daughter, after plying her mother for days for information on her estate and assets, suddenly turned and left her alone waiting for a plane to arrive at the airport.
Family members may become alternately warm or distant depending on what they want from parents at the time. In the search for money, an adult child may suddenly become hostile toward brothers or sisters who he or she regard as receiving more favored treatment from the parent.
There are, of course, less subtle tactics. A granddaughter forged her grandmother’s name as guarantor to a loan application and then filed for bankruptcy leaving her grandmother with the bill. In such situations, hire bankruptcy attorney who can help you out. A daughter arranged to have her mother’s bank safety deposit box drilled open and then forged her mother’s name to the bonds she found. She referred to the action as receiving a gift. We referred to it as theft.
Documents may be presented for signature when the parent does not understand them or is too sick or in too much pain to reflect on their meaning.
There are parents who voluntarily choose, of course, to benefit one child over another. Especially in cases where the favored child takes a parent in to live with her, quits her job to stay at home as a caregiver, expends time and money to benefit the parent, or moves in with the parent to help, it is understandable that the child might be compensated reasonably in some way or receive preferred treatment in a Will. Since there usually are legal implications, one way to handle these decisions is to incorporate them into a Family Agreement prepared by an attorney with experience in financial, estate, and Medicaid and benefits planning so that the purpose for the action and the relationships are described. In many cases other family members can participate in the family agreement so that they understand the reason for decisions.
Returning to the issue of the abused adult child or caregiver, in my experience this type of abuse most often results when a caregiver is isolated and in need of assistance. An older person who is ill may become frightened and express his or her hostility and frustration toward the caregiver. Also dementia and Alzheimer’s, as examples, often bring with them periods of paranoia. The caregiving job is exhausting.
At such times, the caregiver needs a backup plan. This may involve discussion with other family members to transfer some responsibilities, or locating respite care, support groups, new strategies, and trusted advisors. In any event the caregiver should make time for herself, take care of herself and respect her own feelings.
About the Author Janet Colliton
Esquire, Colliton Law Associates, P.C. Janet Colliton has practiced law for over 38 years, 37 of them in Chester County, Pennsylvania, a suburb of Philadelphia. Her practice, Colliton Law Associates, PC, is limited to elder law, Medicaid, including advice, applications and appeals, and other benefits planning including Veterans benefits, life care and special needs planning, guardianships, retirement, and estate planning and administration.